As Far As I'm Concerned, I've Failed..

for this 17 years, what have i achieved significantly? the answer is nothing..

while i was pondering over what i should include in my lyrics ystd at KAP's mac, i realize that i couldn't do a shit about it..do u noe y? this is because i don have good command over my languages at all..for the past 10 years, i was taught the proper usage of languages in my primary and secondary schools..for 10 damn years, i have been fooling around and not realizing tt languages could be so important in life..i thought, if i have the right tools for work and a little intelligence, why do i need languages then..sounds relevant ya? if i have e brains to create wonders, y shld i need to know about english and chinese?

i was wrong..i commited this grave mistake for 17 years..languages are so damn important in our lives and we just cant go far without good command of it..languages are tools for effective communication..u need to know how to express urself in the right way so that others can understand your ideas and opinions..if a task can be done by onself, one can succeed even without proper usage of languages..however, what if u need a team to create something really outstanding..if you have poor command in ur languages, ur teammates might not be able to understand u..thus, even if u came out with a reali wonderful idea, it would be a wasted..no one is going to use your idea, no matter how good it is, if they can't understand what ur trying to put across to them..

since i was young, i loved, and was loved by music..i fell in love with singing at e age of 4 and started learning piano at e age of 5..however, i realized something when i was fourteen..not only was i able to express my emotions fluently and clearly through the playing of piano, i was also born with the gift of melody writing..i was rather delighted to discover this talent as it gives me an advantage in the pursue of my greatest dream--becoming a singer..in order to take a step further, i decided to try writing lyrics since there was no excellent lyrist around me..god has already sent me several warnings in e past though mediums known as teachers..however, i just cant be bothered and ignored them..now, i realize how miserable i am..i cant write any fucking verse for a song even when i have an abundance of ideas..that's because i could not find any relevant phrases or words due to my poor command in languages..

if only i have realized it sooner..if only i heed my teachers' advices previously..how regretful..

as far as i'm concerned, i've failed..

regarding my music, i will be taking my grade 8 piano exams this year, in mid september..and guess what? out of the 3 exams pieces that i've chosen, i have only finished learning 2..so that leaves me with 1 piecet? nope, it's actually 2..apparently, my 2nd piece still sounds like a load of crap and requires a great deal of practice..frankly, im nt e least motivated to play the pieces at all..since my break-up with her last year, i've lost my touch in piano playing..i was unable to express myself because i couldnt feel my my music anymore..i tried to regain that touch but it just seemed like an impossible task..now, i fucking hate to hear my piano playing because it sounds so damn disgusting..no feelings, no fluency, u might as well call it shit-playing..

i noe my teacher is reali disappointed and a bit pissed with me because i havent progressed a single bit since april..im stil stuck at e same old spot..im stil fucking playing my pieces wrongly and making the same mistakes over and over again..but what the fuck can i do about it? it's not like i didnt try or anything..i have physical limitations with my wrists, making it harder for me technically..and as time progresses, im more and more aware of my problem..i just cant do it technically..

i just feel like tearing my scores away and tell my teacher that im nt going to take e exams anymore..but i cant do tt..i will disappoint a lot of ppl out dere and also let myself down..with only one and a half month left, what can i possibly do? besides, i stil have my poly exams to handle soon..which area should i put more efforts in? i dont fucking know..piano practising requires a long period of practising while exams requires a shorter period..but with both drawing near, i cant make up mind..i feel so lost..it seems that i still havent come out with e best solution for this situation..hmmm..rather then saying that, y dont i rephrase it? my senses and thoughts are all messed up and i just cant think in e right way..im losing the will..i hope i can wake up before its all too late..

As Far As I'm Concerned, I've Failed..

FUCK! i just cant continue writing this entry anymore..everything doesnt link together and it's a total mess..sorry ppl but i guess i'll continue this next time..i'm nt in e mood right now because i feel quite fucked up now..my apologies for the frequent usage of vulgarities..e more i try to write, the more pathetic i feel because of my english and stuff..haiz..i hope im nt a goner yet..

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